Accomplishments are transient

You know what's ironic? The second I started thinking about writing this blog, The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is in the Dose came up on iTunes.
I like iTunes on shuffle more than anything else. It's more fresh and interesting.

But anyways, this post is about how I don't quite feel that way anymore, at least not to the extreme.

It's been replaced with a sense of panic over my future, and over my life, and how I'm going to make a difference, and how everyone seems to be so much better than me at everything.

I'm kind of like the saying, jack of all trades, master of nothing.

I can write, mediocre things, but I can write.
I can draw things, they're not amazing, they're nowhere near as good as lots of others, but they're okay.
I'm moderately intelligent, I've met smarter people, but I'm just okay.
I can play piano, I have a few things memorized, but I'm nowhere near where I should be, considering I've been playing for 6 years.

Why can't I stop this annoying comparing myself to people? I set ridiculously high standards for myself.

Just because I've been writing for a while, doesn't mean I should have a novel out. Just because I've been drawing, doesn't mean I should have my own gallery.

I'm an odd person, I've realized that for a while. I'm some strange kind of perfectionist, like a selective kind I guess. But at the same time I have TERRIBLE self control, so I set these obnoxious standards for myself, but I'm not motivated enough to reach them, so I get disappointed, and set even higher standards, as a kind of punishment. It's warped, it's insane, but I'm trying really really hard to work on my self control AND give myself a break from time to time.

I'm so contradicting, it's not even funny.

I may never reach the songwriting skills of Anthony Green, William Beckett, Gaskarfo, Hayley Williams, all of my inspirations, and that's okay. I should stop comparing myself to them, because they're all older than me, they all have had more practice than I have. But that doesn't mean I should stop trying; in fact I should try to work up to their levels, without overanalyzing and constantly second guessing myself.

I essentially just psychoanalyzed myself. Odd.

(I may be just a tad too obsessed with Slow Down)

I care and I don't care

People just piss me off a lot of the time.
And then I love them when they don't, it just depends on the person I guess.
It makes me sad when people I used to love can't even talk to me anymore, but I guess that's how humans work.
It's still depressing though.

Anthony Green is amazing.

I cannot sleep without the radio on

The Difference Between Medicine And Poison Is The Dose is the song that describes me perfectly.
As if it were written for me exactly.

I don't understand myself.
I have no trophies on a shelf.
I own no fancy prizes, like others.
I do not take care of things of my brother's.
I do not listen to me
When I do I disagree
I dumb myself down
I feel like a clown
I try to stay happy
I try to keep calm
But sometimes, it's just so hard.

And I cannot sleep without the radio on

Circa Survive is so amazing.
I've been into them so much lately, it's weird.

Anyways, I've been feeling odd lately. Kinda like I'm not really living my life, and I'm in a movie or something, watching someone else live. It's really weird.

I feel generally better though, I guess.
I'm just kinda tired of things.
That week long break didn't really do anything.
Whatever.

I'd really like to be able to write something really meaningful.
But I just can't anymore.
I've had writers block for months.

Maybe it's just me, but couldn't you believe that everything I said and did wasn't just deceiving.

I honestly think I have some problems.

Is it really normal for people to start randomly crying over nothing? I know I'm not bipolar, and I don't think I'm really depressed, I don't know. Maybe I am.

I just need something new in my life, I guess.
I don't know.
I really don't about anything anymore.

When ever I try and think about my thoughts and feelings and stuff, I get really confused and my head hurts.

Just when I thought I was going into normalcy, I get pulled back again.

I don't know.

I guess this'll serve as more of a diary or something that's out on the internet, because honestly, I doubt anyone would read this.
So this means I can be as whiny as I want!

You know, sometimes I just want someone to be able to cry to. Just someone I can always go too, like I tend to be to some of my friends. I don't know.I can't just call them crying or something, because I don't have anything really to be upset about.

Well, I don't have any earth shattering problems at least.

That's why I feel so whiny. It's horrible, but sometimes I wish I had a real problem. Something real to be crying into a teddy bear about, instead of whining about not being able to go to a friends house or something.

I don't know.
I think I have some kind of psychological problem or something.